A feeling of “something’s not right”

Exactly two years ago, I was seven-weeks postpartum after a C-section. It was then that I began to notice that something was a bit off. I had already gone to my six-week obstetrician (OB) checkup and things seemed to be fine.  According to my obstetrician/gynecologist office, I had a ‘better’ score on my postpartum depression (PPD) symptom survey than my previous score at six-weeks postpartum with my first child. At six weeks, I was cleared to lift my two kids and go about life on my own.  My husband was back at work full-time and I didn’t have round-the clock adult help anymore. I felt overwhelmed at adjusting to two children, but I didn’t think that was abnormal for several reasons. 

  • The 24/7 care-taking of a newborn and a 17 month old is quite a lot to deal with on its own!  
  • It was new, uncharted territory and I’ve always been a Nervous Nelly in new situations.  
  • I was already stressing about the massive responsibility of taking care of all of the needs for two humans all day long.
  • Other parents would tell me of how difficult it was going from one child to two. So, I thought that my anxiety was justified and to be expected in this realm of tiny humans. 
  • My angst was ordinary because I had been told over and over again by other parents about how much work children were.
  • My feeling overwhelmed was just a natural part of being a mom.  
  • After all, I only had two kids.  I’ve known stay-at-home moms who have four, even up to seven, children!  If they could do it, I could do it. I needed to swallow my pride and deal with it.  
  • I thought “I am being a total pansy and I just need to deal with it.”

All these thoughts were ways I’d try to jumpstart my motivation to care for the kids. Even after having inner arguments with myself, after trying to hype myself up, I realized that I could not get my feet under me and I increasingly lost desire to take on my new responsibilities. 

If you’re experiencing similar or identical thoughts, it could be a red flag.  It might not be, but please be willing to talk to someone. Share everything; even if you have thoughts that you might be afraid to voice out loud .  There is something so freeing about just sharing what you’re thinking. If you are struggling with PPD, it may be the start of getting the help that you need.  What I want you to know is “there’s hope!”

In my next post, I’ll talk more about the other factors and symptoms I experienced in the early beginning stages of my PPD.

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